Soviet-era films are only slightly less confusing with subtitles.
From the moment the scary looking production logo comes on screen (saying, I kid not, to the effect of “this film was ordered by the General Secretary of the USSR”), these are so alien to anything produced by Hollywood as to amaze and astound.
Foreign film in incomprehensible languages in general is a great way to strain the brain, to stretch mental muscles that you didn’t know you had. Sci-fi films work the best in this regard. You can forget all about trying to learn the language, because it is Jaq’s experience that even with subtitles provided, the movies make absolutely no sense.
Today’s foray into the odd is one “Гостья Из Будущего”, which translates pretty literally as “Guest from Future”. (and is pronounced “ghostya eez boodooshchyevo”.) While this version has no subtitles, Jaq was fortunate enough to have a native Russian speaker available for assistance. This would have been quite difficult without — the little Russian Jaq remembers is largely useless in complex situations. At one point while sneaking around trying to find something, a leading protagonist starts talking to his companion about “циплëрнок”, which while spelled wrong, for whatever random reason Jaq remembers means “chicken”. Why are they talking about chicken? The plot is confusing enough without adding weirder verbal ambiguity!
This is a miniseries composed in five one-hour parts. Pacing in Soviet films is on a pace with a snail plodding through aged molasses — in a Hollywood variant, this thing would be over and done in 90 minutes tops. Part one contains not even the remotest hope of a plot, but merely the random adventure of a boy who accidentally finds a time machine in the basement of a typical Soviet-era slum. Transported one hundred years into the future, “Boy”, whatever his name is, discovers a technological communist paradise. Hovercars abound. Transporter technology has been perfected. Economic transactions as such no longer exist — vending machines dispense free delicacies, and anyone of any age can simply pick up any one of hundreds of hover cars laying around idle and drive off. The “Guest”, who is billed as the star of the show, doesn’t even show up. The last words in the first part are between the “Boy” and the space transport computer. Computer insists it’s closed for the day, but Boy manages to persuade it to give him one more ticket. “Where do you want to go?” “Uranus!” And with that the credits roll rather abruptly. This would be funny, except that “Uranus” has no amusing connotations in Russki Yasik. This soon proves to be the worst cliffhanger, possibly ever.
Part 2 introduces a plot about ten minutes in, after Boy loses his apparently tepid interest in seeing Uranus. Jaq’s not really sure what the plot is, but it involves shape-shifting alien space-pirates intent on stealing an artifact called a ”mellowphone”, and the wacky hijinks that ensue. Jaq has mentally filed “mellowphone” next to “sampo“. The “Guest” is introduced — barely — but does not actually yet become a “Guest from Future”.
Along the way, the viewer encounters:
- A talking goat, being fed delicacies by a man wearing a tuxedo. This character does not seem to have any purpose toward advancing the plot, nor does there seem to be any real explanation for their decidedly memorable existence.
- No, wait! That’s not the real goat and tuxedo-feeder! That’s really the shapeshifting alien space pirates masquerading as the talking goat and official formalware dude! The real goat and tux are gagged and bound to a nearby tree.
- A tragically “romantic” robot who always seems depressed. Given to bouts of seemingly pointless maniacal laughter, except that I think he’s supposed to be a good guy. Despite existing in the year 2084, this rather dumbass robot must make a careful analysis of the Boy to ensure he’s human. Much careful effort goes into establishing that he is not a sponge or an ape. Not making this up, folks.
- A modern day (1984) medical doctor who doesn’t remotely notice that the shapeshifting alien has taken on his exact appearance on the other side of the extremely small room.
- Three empty buttermilk bottles, which the Boy never, ever puts down. After the analysis of Boy, these are in turn analyzed to ensure that they aren’t really ancient Grecian urns. Eventually, they are finally successfully filled. With buttermilk.
- Russian-speaking, gay communist aliens with bird feet stamped on their heads, seeking the Pushkin Museum for Fine Art.
In part 3, the cute little girl starring in the whole monstrosity finally becomes the Guest and gets actual speaking lines. The most interesting part of the pacing is watching the films in company with people who grew up with it. Jaq has seen this phenomenon before, when watching Solaris. Not the George Clooney Solaris, but the original CCCP version.
To anyone out there, a dire warning. Take extreme caution when watching the original Solaris. It’s obviously a high-budget film from the Soviet era, and the special effects are not embarrassing for the era, but the story line is incomprehensible at best. At worst …. well, there’s this scene where someone is driving down the freeway. It lasts twenty minutes. There is no dialogue. You see no actors at all. There is nothing remotely like an advancement of plot in any way, shape, or form. You only see cars passing and being passed. The cars are not driving terribly fast. It’s the sight you see when you run your daily commute. You want to watch this instead of a movie? Go ahead.
In any case, the most interesting part of the movie was the audience. They were terribly excited at seeing this epic film from their roots. At the end, they all looked puzzled. “Why do I remember this as such a great movie?” they ask.
Jaq observed a similar reaction in the native-language watcher of Гостья Из Будущего. “I remember this being an action-packed film,” they sez. “What happened?” This person has been fully americanized, and this reaction provokes an interesting question. Is film the metronome marking the pace of people within a culture? Could be…
Jaq may yet watch parts 4 and 5 and report. Anything is possible.
